The Theory of Everything
by CatsBalletHarveySpecter
Summary: After a fall out with Harvey, Donna moves to Seattle to be with Thomas. When Harvey finds himself in town on business the pair discover that old habits die hard. Set in 8B - AU Maybe there's a reason that they're drawn together. Maybe, the entire universe existed just to bring the two of them together. If they're lucky they'll stop bickering long enough to find out how.
1. Chapter 1

**The Theory of Everything**

_This is not a love story. It is a story about love._

**Warning: This story deals with themes like cheating. Please be advised before reading. **

* * *

**Chapter 1: Fight or Flight**

May 11,2019

8pm - Harvey's Office, Manhattan 

"You really said that to him?" Harvey chuckles, leaning back against the back of the leather couch and finishing the contents of his glass.

"What else was I supposed to do?" she chuckles, moving to refill her own glass.

The pair had settled in Harvey's office after a particularly stressful day at the office and though it had been ages since they spent time together like this, it felt like no time had passed at all. Things between them had gone back to normal, if you could call it normal, but ever since Donna had started seeing Thomas Kessler, Harvey had been distant. Laughing over a bottle of scotch was something they hadn't done in a long time and she can't believe how much she'd missed it.

"You're pretty ballsy," he comments.

"I go after what I want," she smirks, leaning closer to him as she reaches for his empty glass.

"I'm sure there's been a time when you backed down," he says, watching as his glass transitioned from clear to amber.

For a moment, she thinks maybe he's trying to get her to bring up the _them_ topic, but she wasn't going to give him what he wanted. Instead, she decided that two could play at this game and if he was going to toy with the line, she would as well.

"Never," she boasts, "As I said, I go after what I want."

He knows he's playing with fire. Being here with her, drinking like they used to and pretending her closeness, the subtle hint of her vanilla perfume, had no effect on him.

He'd missed this; _them_. He never knew how badly he craved their late night gossip sessions over a bottle of scotch until they stopped having them, and suddenly he missed working long hours just so he would have an excuse to laugh with her over the latest crazy stunt Louis had pulled.

She's leaning on his left arm, her body extremely close to his and he's suddenly hyper-aware of their close proximity and his throat bobs when he swallows.

For a brief moment, she thinks he's about to kiss her, and against her better judgment, she's ready to let him. Her eyes close in anticipation of what's to come, his breath growing hotter as he leans closer to her face.

"Like right now for example, what do you want?" he whispers, her eyes still closed but she can feel how close he is and her body trembles.

"I-"

"There you are!" The sound of Thomas's voice cuts through the silence in Harvey's office and the pair quickly jut apart.

"Thomas, what are you doing here?" she asks in a tone that's much harsher than she means for it to be. She makes her way over to where Thomas is standing near the entrance to Harvey's office as he speaks. "We have late dinner plans, don't we?"

"Yes, of course, it just slipped my mind. Why don't you meet me downstairs and I'll go grab my jacket?"

"Sure," he replies before nodding to acknowledge Harvey and placing a small kiss to her temple. Once he's out of sight, she moves to help Harvey clean the now empty again scotch glasses and he watches her silently.

"You don't have to- You wouldn't want to keep him waiting, I can do that."

"Really Harvey it'll take two seconds, it's fine."

"So things are still going well between you two?" he asks and she thinks she senses hostility in his tone but decides it's best not to question it.

"They are," she answers.

"Right," he huffs, folding his arms over his chest and rolling his eyes.

"If you didn't want to know, why did you ask?"

"Just being polite," he adds with a smack of his lips.

"No, you're being an ass."

"I don't know what you want me to say here Donna? We were having a nice normal night, let's not ruin it."

"I think we're far past the point of a normal night," she fires back at him, pacing across his office until she's standing before where he's seated, fuming.

"Why? Everything was fine until tall dark and handsome strolled in here."

"You mean everything was fine until you were about to kiss me…" she deadpans and his face pales.

"I wasn't-"

The look on her face is enough to shut him up and he stops his protest, arms folded over his chest.

"You weren't what?" she challenges.

"Nothing. Because I was… going to kiss you, I mean."

"Why?" she asks and suddenly it feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room.

He reaches for his tie, the knot too tight, and he leans forward in his seat, stammering as he racks his brain for the answer to the question he's had years to come up with. The question for which his heart didn't seem capable of telling his mind and mouth the answer too, despite having known it for years.

"Figures, you still can't say it, can you?" she yells but he has no witty comeback, no smart-ass remark and no confession of feelings. Instead, he sits staring at her wide-eyed and panicked, letting the silence consume him.

"I'm going to go…" she says as she moves to leave the office.

"Donna, wait!" he says, finally finding his voice.

"Why? So we can keep going around in these never ending circles? I can't do this anymore Harvey. Truthfully, I'm not even sure I know what _this_ is, but I'm happy with Thomas. He makes me happy and he might even love me and I need to move on with my life."

"But Donna I-"

"You know what, save it Harvey. I'm the foul for ever believing you might want something more. After everything we've been through, I should have known better," she says as she storms out of his office, leaving him to wallow in the silence that likely just cost him his everything.

.

.

May 11, 2019

10pm - Donna's Apartment, Manhattan 

Leaning her head on his shoulder, she closes her eyes for a brief moment before drawing in a long breath. Tonight with Harvey had taken a lot out of her and right now she wished she'd cancelled her plans with Thomas so she could indulge in a bottle of wine alone.

She hated that Harvey always did this to her. Had this effect on her.

Here she was in the arms of a great man who cared about her, hell, who might possibly even love her and she was thinking about Harvey. Granted, she was thinking about what an ass he had been, but he was still the one on her mind.

"What's on your mind?" he asks as he nestles his chin into her hair, his free hand settling on her waist.

"Huh?"

"You're a million miles away tonight, is everything alright?"

"Oh yeah. Just a long day at the office," she lies.

"You've been having a lot of those lately," he replies.

"Comes with the job I guess."

"What if it didn't have to?"

"What are you talking about?" she asks, crawling out of his arms and turning to face him.

"I was going to wait to bring this up, but I was offered a position in Seattle. A company that wants to help expand my brand, and they have a position for you. If you want it."

"Thomas, I-"

"Look, you don't have to say anything right now. I know it's a lot and that this is still pretty new. But Donna, I'm in this for the long run. I think we really have a shot at something here and I would love if you would come with me. Think about it, alright?"

She blinks once, twice, three times, staring back at Thomas bewildered and shocked.

"Alright," she manages to force out, though her mind is far from alright. Things with Thomas had been progressing rather quickly, but she assumed that's how serious relationships went when two adults were committed to each other. It had been a while since she'd been in a romantic relationship with anyone, her hectic work schedule not allowing her the time to get to know anyone well enough to push past a first date. At least, that's the reason she sold herself. Part of her knew the real reason was that she went into every date with one foot already out the door, her heart belonging to the one man she couldn't have.

Thomas had been a pleasant surprise. His quick wit and boyish charm catching her eye while his humor and masculinity intrigued her on their first date. He was the first man she looked forward to spending the evening with since, well, it had been a while since she'd been so excited about a man. Soon, one date turned into two and spending the night turned into spending three nights, so she really shouldn't be surprised that he's asked her to come away with him; they'd practically spent every night together this week, shuffling between his apartment and hers, they'd been inseparable.

But, she was surprised when he asked.

They hadn't even said "I love you," and truth be told, as much as she really liked Thomas, she wasn't sure that she loved him. She knows she could love him. She could love him so deeply. But there's something holding her back, a tiny voice in the back of her mind telling her she would never be able to love Thomas the way he wanted her to. The way she wanted to.

They go back to watching the movie in silence, Donna's head resting on Thomas' shoulder, his fingers running through her hair but despite the silence filling the room, her mind was loud.

She could accept his offer, move away with him and start all over again, but that meant leaving everything she had here (or didn't have here) behind. She wasn't sure she was ready to say goodbye to the life she'd created for herself in Manhattan. After moving to the city fresh out of college, a hopeful young actress, she'd given her all to the firm formerly known as Pearson Hardman, traded in her youthful hopes and dreams to earn the title she now had. Was she really ready to walk away from the house that helped to build her? Was she ready to walk away from him and the life they didn't have together?

On one hand, starting over could be a good thing. She could walk away from the push and pull of her non-existent relationship with her boss-turned-friend-turned-maybe and forget about the years of heartbreak and what-ifs. But that also meant walking away from a part of who she was, and she wasn't sure she was ready to do that.

They had a moment tonight, she was certain of it. They'd been having moments like that lately, lingering glances and touches that lasted longer than they should. Moments that lead her to believe that maybe he was finally ready for something more. For _them_. She knows it's a bad idea to let herself be hopeful, but when his chocolate brown eyes meet her hazel ones during these brief moments, she can't help herself from surrendering to the idea of them.

They had a moment tonight.

And then, like always, Harvey diminished it by dismissing it and any significance it may have had.

But it was still a moment.

She sighs as she curls further into Thomas' side, his gaze fixed on the movie so he doesn't notice the tears beginning to form in her eyes. Her stomach lurches when she realizes that it was always going to be like tonight with her and Harvey. The moment would always slip away and they would fall into the same old song and dance they'd been playing for years. There was love there, she was certain of it, but it was buried beneath years of pent up anger, emotion and hurt and she doubts they'll ever be able to work past all of their issues so that they could be together.

For years they had been Harvey and Donna. One simply did not exist without the other. But what if it didn't have to be that way? What if the only way to break the vicious cycle was to step outside of the ring.

What if she could be Donna Paulsen without Harvey Specter? The thought alone was enough to send a chill rippling through her body. Did she want to find out?

He had been such an ass tonight, but his jealousy turned her on more than it angered her, which only further frustrated her. Would he ever be ready to be the kind of man she wanted, no, needed him to be? One that was in it for the long run. One that loved her enough to risk everything.

When the credits finally begin to roll, her mind is even more of a mess than it had been when she left Harvey's office. She had so many questions that were left unanswered, so many things she wanted to know but was afraid to ask herself. As Thomas begins to carry their glasses towards the kitchen she makes an impulsive decision to give Harvey one more chance to prove he wanted something more (if he did in fact want something more) before she gave Thomas any type of answer.

She knows her decision should not be based on Harvey, the fact that she's even thinking about Harvey right now should be an indication that she wasn't ready to walk away, but she just can't help herself. He's been a part of her life for far too long and try as she might, she just couldn't seem to cut him out of her.

She had a plan. She would approach Harvey first thing at the office and tell him about Thomas' offer and his reaction would help her make up her mind. It was stupid, childish even, but a large part of her wanted him to tell her to stay; she needed to hear those words come out of his mouth. And if he couldn't tell her, then maybe it was time to move on with her life once and for all.

She makes love to Thomas that night with images of the other time rolling through her mind and she inwardly curses at herself for allowing Harvey into her head. Thomas was a great lover; passionate, gentle, eager to please her. But he couldn't read her the way Harvey had all those years ago. His touch didn't make her body come alive with an unfamiliar sensation that she craved and while he was an excellent kisser, their kisses lacked an energy she couldn't quite pinpoint.

When she comes undone she has to bite her bottom lip to keep from crying out with Harvey's name and she falls asleep an absolute mess. Here she was with a man who wanted to love her and she couldn't stop thinking about the one man who probably never would.

.

.

May 12, 2019

8am- ZSL, Manhattan 

She strolls into her office the next morning, head held high despite being a train wreck of half-baked thoughts. She'd spent the better part of the morning psyching herself up for what she was about to do. What she had to do. She needed him to tell her to stay, to fight for her one last time.

Smoothing down her navy dress, she draws in a deep breath and counts to three before she begins her purposeful stride towards Harvey's office. He looks up and locks eyes with her as soon as she enters his office, not having enough time to complete the "Donna" that he greets her with before she blurts out that Thomas asked her to move to Seattle with him. It wasn't how she planned to tell him, and she hadn't meant to to blurt it out like that but seeing his smile beneath those big brown eyes, she panicked and aborted her well thought out plan.

"What?" he asks, beginning to sit back in the seat he'd risen from to greet her.

"Sorry I didn't mean to just ambush you like that, it's just last night Thomas told me he received an offer to move his company to Seattle, and he asked me to go with him," she says, surprised at how calm her own voice sounded when her heart was pounding in her ears.

"So, you're leaving?" he says, eyes falling on his desk, face pale.

"I didn't say that," she says, daring to take a step in the direction of his desk but not quite so daring as to tear her gaze away from her pumps.

"You might as well have. Just last night you told me how great things were between the two of you, why wouldn't you go?" he replies, his voice dripping with rage and hurt.

When she finally dares to look across the room, she notices his head dropped, eyes refusing to find hers and she knows he's upset.

"So you think I should go?" she asks softly.

"Why does it matter what I think? It's your life Donna!" he yells, getting up and pacing towards his office window. He settles in place, staring out over the city, his back to where she was fighting back the tears that were beginning to form.

So much for telling her not to go. So much for fighting for her, for them.

"I just thought-"

"That you would come in here and run it by me? Pretend like you hadn't already made up your mind about leaving? It's fine Donna. Go. Be with him, I'm sure we can find you a replacement in a few weeks."

Stung by the cruelty of his words and the bitterness in his voice, she turns to leave without so much as another word, making a beeline for the washroom where she washes away the tears that stained her cheeks. She returns to her office a while later and texts Thomas that she would like to meet for lunch. Harvey had made it perfectly clear that there was nothing left for her here; it was time to move on.

Back in his office, he fetches himself a glass of scotch as he continues to peer out over the city, not caring that it was too early for a drink.

She was leaving him.

She was leaving the firm, the city, her life here. But what cut the deepest was thinking about how for the first time in almost two decades, they wouldn't be working together.

He hadn't meant to snap at her, but he just couldn't help himself. After last night and the almost moment they'd shared, he thought that maybe they were finally on the same page. But then Thomas showed up and he was reminded that she had moved on, was happy without him, and who was he to take that happiness away from her?

The last thing he ever wanted was to be the man that took away her chance for a happy ending, even if that meant succumbing to his own misery.

He could tell her how he felt, but it wasn't right. Not while she was with Thomas. They'd been there before and they almost didn't come back from it. He couldn't put them through it again.

He wanted to tell her to stay.

But it was selfish of him.

He wanted to tell her to stay because the company needed her. Her friends needed her. He needed her.

But when it all came down to it, he knew he did what had to be done. He needed to support her decision to leave and despite the bitterness with which he told her she should go, he knew it was the right thing to do.

The right thing that shattered his heart into shards. But the right thing.

If he'd learned anything over the years, it was that everyone left. And Donna Paulsen was no exception.

.

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May 12, 2019

1pm - The Modern, Manhattan 

She spots Thomas seated next to the window at one of her favourite lunch time bistro's and smiles when he waves her over. He was dressed in a pale blue dress shirt with a matching navy jacket and she had to admit, he pulled off blue better than any man she'd ever met.

She takes a seat across from him, leaning over to greet him with a chaste kiss on the cheek as she does so.

"Hello beautiful, how's your day been?" he says.

"I want to go with you," she blurts out rather than answer his question. For the second time that day, unable to resist the impulse telling her to rip the bandaid off. It was a strange feeling, not being able to refrain from blurting out what was on her mind, but she supposes that subconsciously she knows it's the only way she can ensure she wouldn't chicken out of saying what she came to say.

And that's exactly what she was doing, why she'd asked Thomas to meet her for lunch. She knew that if she had time to cool off after Harvey had snapped at her, she may convince herself to give him yet another chance, and she was tired of giving out chances. She needed to break this cycle once and for all. She needed to put herself first for once.

"What?" Thomas stares back at her, shocked.

"I thought about it and I want to go with you to Seattle," she says, this time more confidently.

A wide smile settles over Thomas' face as he reaches for her palm and squeezes it over the table.

"Donna, are you sure?"

"Absolutely. If you're moving and starting over somewhere new I want to be a part of it. I'm in this Thomas," she says, willing herself to believe in her own words despite knowing she'd always been unsure and hesitant when it came to their relationship.

She could do this. She could start again. She could cut him out.

"I- You have no idea how happy I am to hear that," he gushes.

"You thought I wasn't?" she questions, studying his furrowed brow as he formulates a response.

"I just thought that maybe… you know what, never mind it doesn't matter. What matters is we're really doing this."

"We are," she nods with a tight lipped smile.

"I love you," he breathes as though it's the simplest statement in the world.

Her face pales and she stutters, knowing what he wants to hear but it's suddenly all too much. It's like the air in the room has been sucked out and she can't catch her breath. She's drowning and no one is around to save her.

And she knows that isn't the reaction she should be having after hearing that someone loved her.

But it wasn't the person she wanted to hear those words from today.

She could learn to love Thomas, she was certain of it. He was kind and caring and smart and one day she would wake up and be in love with him. That day just wasn't today.

"And I know that's the first time I've told you, but Donna, I don't want you to feel pressured to say it back. You just say it when you're ready. Okay?" he adds, picking up on her sudden panic.

"I_ really_ like you Thomas."

"I'll take it," he beams, taking her hand in his as they order lunch and make small talk about the future plans for his company in Seattle.

She was moving to Seattle with Thomas. Because Harvey Specter didn't love her. At least, he couldn't admit that he did.

She was running, and she was leaving her shattered heart in Manhattan.

.

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May 31, 2019

7pm, ZSL, Manhattan 

It had been two weeks since they'd last spoken, not that he was counting. One week and six days since she'd resigned from her position as the firms COO, again, he wasn't counting. She was leaving for Seattle the following Sunday, he knew because Louis told him while he rambled on about the going away party he was throwing for Donna. It was all happening too fast. He was supposed to help interview to fill her position on Monday and tonight he was expected to be at her going away party because they were Harvey and Donna, and what would it mean if he didn't show up to bid farewell to one of his oldest friends and co-workers. It would mean he was too heartbroken to even think about saying goodbye, but he couldn't let that part of him show.

So, he puts on a black tie and his favourite suit and he downs two glasses of scotch before calling Ray to bring him back to the firm he'd only left hours prior.

When he arrives, the party is already in full swing. The partners are gathered near the bar, laughing about a story Louis and Sheila are telling and the associates are scattered across the 50th floor but so far, he sees no sign of Donna. He makes his way over to the bar and orders a double when he spots Thomas near the reception desk, but still no sign of Donna. Thomas notices Harvey standing alone and approaches him, offering him a small smile and a salute of his glass before he settles in beside him at the bar.

"Congratulations on the expansion," Harvey says, staring straight forward and avoiding looking at the man next to him. The man that was taking Donna away from him.

"Thanks, we're both pretty excited about the move," he replies.

Harvey visibly gulps at the mention of _them_ and can no longer keep his curiosity at bay.

"Where is Donna?"

"She had a few final things to pack up in her office, she'll be around."

The men sit and finish their drinks in silence before Harvey mumbles an excuse about having to go and pushed up off the bar stool.

"Harvey," Thomas calls out to him, "I wanted to thank you."

"For what?"

"For making this easier on her. You know as well as I do that this place means everything to her. Having your support on this has really made this whole transition period easier."

"Oh," is all he manages to say before excusing himself and heading off in the direction of Donna's office. What the hell did Thomas mean by "his support"? He hadn't said a word to Donna since they had their falling out in his office. Maybe she'd told Thomas otherwise?

He spots her office light on and slowly makes his way down the hall, only pausing after spotting her inside. She was sitting at her desk, staring down at a small piece of paper that was held between her two thumbs; her COO business card. He considers interrupting her, marching into her office and letting his resolve crumble, but watching as she sadly turns the card over in her palm, he realizes how hard this must be on her and he doesn't have the heart to intrude on the moment she was having. He watches for a while longer as she just sits at her desk, long red curls covering the shoulders that her black sleeveless gown left exposed. She looked like she belonged in that office, like there was no where on this earth she could possibly be meant to be.

And it kills him that this would be the last time that he would see her there. That he won't get to watch her outsmart some first year associate that thinks they know better because they went to law school and she didn't. Or that after nearly two decades of seeing each other practically everyday, he wasn't going to see her anymore.

She was going to be on the opposite side of the country, building a life with Thomas and every bone in his body ached at the thought.

This was not how their story was supposed to end; he was certain. Yet, it appeared to be how the story was ending.

He may have been the best closer in the city, but when it came to matters of his own heart, he was so far gone that he doubts anyone could save him. He loved her. But he couldn't bring himself to tell her. And what was love if not communicated in some shape or form? How could he truly love her in a way she deserved if he couldn't even find the words to tell her that she'd run away with a small piece of his heart all those years ago, and without it he would live out the rest of his days a slightly lesser, incomplete man.

He eventually leaves the hall, leaving her to say goodbye on her own before settling into his own desk chair. He's not sure how he's supposed to say goodbye to her, but he knows it's inevitable and sooner or later he would have to man up and face the music. Pouring himself a third (or was it his fourth?) drink, he settles onto the sofa and closes his eyes for a moment, willing this hellish reality to go away.

People always leave. His mom. His dad. Mike and Rachel.

And now, Donna.

Maybe he was destined to be alone. Perhaps fate was trying to tell him not to bother getting close to anyone, not to open his heart and let others in. After all, everyone he'd ever cared about left.

He talks himself out of his panic attack nearly as quickly as he talked himself into it, and he decides to call it a night before his dark thoughts consumed and got the better of him.

He doesn't bother to look for her, knowing his fragile heart can't handle a proper goodbye and he heads straight for the elevator. The doors are closing when a familiar manicured hand reaches out and stops them, and Donna gets in the elevator and glances over him quickly before turning to face the now closed doors. They ride in silence for a few floors the tension filling the small metal box radiative and soon he finds himself gravitating towards her, settling with his feet planted just behind hers, his mouth hovering just above her ear. He hears her breath hitch as he moves closer but she doesn't make a motion to move away, instead she breathes out with a small soft sigh before her breathing returns to normal.

"I miss you," he whispers practically into her ear, his body ghosting over her back.

"I haven't gone anywhere yet," she says, still staring straight ahead.

"You know what I mean, I miss us."

"There was never an us," she says as the elevator dings and indicates they'd reached the ground floor.

"You made sure of that," she calls back at him as she begins to make her way across the lobby.

"Donna!" he calls after her, chasing her until she stops in front of the coloured lights that lined the lobby of the firm, the purple hues making her hair sparkle.

"What?!" she cries as she whirls around to face him.

"Don't go."

"Don't do this," she says, turning towards the exit and taking a face more steps before coming to an abrupt halt and marching back towards him, stopping inches from his face.

"You had a chance to tell me to stay. And you didn't."

"I couldn't."

"You couldn't fight for me?"

"I couldn't risk taking away from your happiness."

She chuckles slightly, running both hands through her hair and then over her face with a heavy sigh.

"You really are an idiot."

"Because I care about your happiness?!"

"Because you could never see that you were the source of it!" she screams, her face still inches from his.

"Donna…" he breathes, his fingers hovering by her cheeks but he doesn't dare touch her; doesn't dare make any motion that would disrupt the moment they found themselves in. Time freezes as his hand cups her cheek and she closes her eyes, a single tear escaping her left eye. He angles her head towards his as she draws in a second shaky breath, her body trembling.

His thumb caresses her cheek as chocolate eyes melt into a pool of hazel. An eternity passes.

"Harvey - " she mumbles, breaking the bubble and his hand falls from her face.

"I have to go," she adds.

"Donna - "

"Please, Harvey. Just let me go," she cries, wiping the tears now streaming down her face as she runs towards the exit.

He doesn't chase after her. He doesn't call or text. He just lets her go, watches as she walks right out of his life, and leaves the pieces of his broken heart behind for him to try and reassemble.

The great Harvey Specter had become the picture of a broken man. One who had once held his entire universe in the palm of his hand only to let it slip away; and that, warranted the seventh drink he poured himself as he drank himself to sleep on the Sunday evening she was set to move. He was on a mission to drink her away, only with each additional drop of amber liquid that touched his tongue, he craved her more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Dancing with Your Ghost**

* * *

June 26, 2019 (a month after moving day)

Seattle 

Stepping out onto the sidewalk she thanks the driver before turning into the large glass building that Thomas' office was situated in. She and Thomas had been living in Seattle a little over a month and since moving had established a weekly lunch date on Tuesday's. Though they worked for the same company, Donna worked in a building a few blocks from where Thomas' office was, a small detail that she appreciated more than she would ever admit to him.

It had been nearly a month since they'd left the city and things between them had been progressing quickly. They lived together, as expected, but she had yet to tell him she loved him - something she knew he was waiting to hear. She'd settled into her new role at his company well and, slowly but surely the city was growing on her, but it just wasn't home.

No amount of double dates with Mike and Rachel, no closet purge and shopping spree, could replace the Manhattan sized whole in her heart, or erase the horrendous feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She greets the man at the reception desk and he nods at her with a small "Morning Ms. Paulsen." She steps into the elevator and presses the button for the 32nd floor, smoothing her pale grey pencil skirt as the doors begin to close. Thomas greets her in the lobby, instinctively reaching for her waist as he places a chaste kiss on her cheek.

"I was just headed downstairs to meet you. Are you ready to go?" he asks.

"I am, I just have to drop these files off with Cynthia, can I meet you in the lobby?"

"Sounds good," he replies, watching as she begins towards Cynthia's office.

After dropping off some paper work with one of the junior members, she heads back in the direction of the elevators, only pausing to fish her phone out of her bag when she hears it beep. Initially, she thinks it must be Thomas telling her he'd gone ahead and called the driver and was waiting in the car, but the name flashing across her screen makes her heart skip a beat.

**Harvey: I know it's been a while and we haven't talked since you left but I'm in town tonight and I was hoping I could see you.**

**Harvey: Only if you want to...**

She stares at the screen, reading and re-reading his messages before the words finally begin to sink in.

He was here in Seattle, and he wanted to see her.

She'd been doing really well lately, only thinking about Harvey on rare occasions when something that reminded her of him came up. She didn't dream about him anymore, didn't think about him in the shower and she stopped re-playing their latest "almost moment" a week after they'd moved into the new apartment.

And now, the way her stomach lurched and her heart raced just looking at his name, she felt like she was back to square one.

Maybe if she just saw him, if they just had it out one last time she could finally put the "Harvey" chapter of her life behind her. She could finally love Thomas the way she wanted to, the way he deserved to be loved.

Her thumb hovers over the keyboard as she contemplates.

Did she want to see him?

The better question was, was she ready to see him?

Harvey had always been her weakness. Her blind spot. When it came to him, she was unable to separate matters of the heart from logic and somehow she always ended up getting hurt.

Things were going well with her and Thomas, her life was moving forward, did she really want to chance taking one step forwards and two back?

She steps into the elevator with a furrowed brow and a confused frown, hand still hovering over her keyboard.

She takes two steps towards the back wall, pauses as she hums to herself and then turns back around and paces towards the door.

This was a bad idea.

No good could come of seeing him again.

She was most certainly over him. But, if that was the case, then what was the problem?

God. Even just seeing his name come up had her worked into a frazzled frenzy.

She was and always would be a mess for Harvey Specter. For all the things she loved about herself when Harvey was around, his ability to turn her into a chaotic wreck was the one trait she despised.

With a tiny ding, the elevator reached the ground floor and she hits the send button before stepping off the elevator to go and find Thomas.

Screw it, she thinks to herself as she sashays into the building lobby.

.

.

He smiles when his phone lights up on the desk, placed mere inches from his palm where he placed it face up after deciding to shoot his shot and message her.

He felt downright giddy seeing her name flash across his screen, that feeling you get deep in the pit of your stomach only a handful of times in life; when you hit your first ever home run, showing up to school on a Monday morning wearing brand new sneakers that the twelve year old version of yourself is immensely proud of, the day you find out you passed the bar.

He reaches for the phone and unlocks it in one swift motion, reading her message a few times before he allows himself to settle into the hotel room bed with a smile.

**Donna: Where should I meet you?**

.

.

June 26, 2019

8pm - Seattle 

Leaning back on the bar stool, he nervously glances around the dimly lit hotel bar that was littered with several young couples out for a night cap.

The bar had a rustic feel to it, accented with hues of deep orange and maroon, it reminded him of an old jazz club his father once played at.

He motions to the bartender and soon he's gifted with a neat glass of amber liquid, liquid courage, as it was needed for tonight. He straightens his tie as he waits and fiddles with the cuff links on his sleeves. He can't believe he did this. That he actually asked her to meet him.

What's even more unbelievable was the fact that she'd agreed.

The last time he saw Donna she was livid. She told him to leave her to start her new life and that she wanted nothing to do with him, and for the entire past month, he followed her orders. Though it killed him to not talk to her, tell her about his day, new cases and clients, to not hear about her day or the crazy new thing her mother had gotten up to, he respected her wish and kept his distance.

That is until one quick phone call with Mike convinced him that reaching out to her wasn't the worst thing he could do.

.

.

June 24, 2019

Manhattan 

_"Are you going to call Donna?"_

_"Why would I call Donna?" Harvey asks into the receiver as he swivels around in his desk chair to face the glowing city lights._

_"Harvey."_

_"Mike."_

_"I don't know what happened between the two of you, but I do know that she misses you."_

_"She doesn't, believe me," he sighs, knowing just how true his statement was._

_"She does. Just send her a message. Talk to her."_

_"We'll see," Harvey answers, his voice seemingly hundreds of miles away._

_"And Harvey, if you're only in town for the night, I wouldn't be mad if you cancelled on me to see Donna."_

_"I doubt she would want to see me."_

_"If you never try you'll never know, right?"_

.

.

June 26, 2019

8pm - Seattle 

That goddamn kid. How he let him talk him into sending her a message, he'll never know. He supposes Mike was the final push he needed. He wanted to reach out to Donna, he just wasn't sure if it was crazy to try, if she'd moved on and was happy with the life she started without him.

Now here he was, waiting for her at the hotel bar in his lucky suit jacket. Picking nervously at his sleeves and hoping that tonight would go well, that maybe they could go back to being some type of friends; back to normal.

.

.

June 26, 2019

1pm- Seattle 

She finds Thomas waiting for her in the lobby and links her arm through his as they head to lunch. He asks about her morning and she fills him in on all the details that anyone else would find a bore, but he listens intently to every word she says.

They settle down for lunch and he orders them each a glass of water while they browse the menu, Donna settling on her favourite type of wrap and Thomas on a smoked meat sandwich.

"Harvey sent me a message," she says out of nowhere.

"Oh?"

"He's in town, he wanted to grab a drink," she explains, her palms trembling beneath the table.

She knew she should tell Thomas about Harvey being in town, but she wasn't sure why telling him felt dirty. Like she was exposing the fact she'd spent countless nights wondering what he was doing back in Manhattan.

"That's great, you should go," he says.

"I should?"

"Why wouldn't you? He was a huge part of your life, you two were such good friends. I'm not sure what happened back in Manhattan to make you stop talking to him…"

"You noticed that?"

"Of course I noticed Donna, you don't just stop talking to someone out of the blue for no reason."

"Thomas, you need to know nothing happened…"

"Donna, stop. I don't need to know. I trust you. Besides, you're here, aren't you?"

"So you think I should see him?"

"I don't want you to isolate yourself from the people who helped shape you into the woman I fell in love with."

"Thomas…"

She considers telling him she loves him too, but she isn't quite there yet and she promised she wouldn't tell him until she meant it.

She reaches for his hand and gives his palm a gentle squeeze while flashing him a timid smile.

"Go. See him. Put whatever it was that happened between you two behind you so you can finally move past it and be happy."

"How are you so wise?" She smiles as he runs his thumb over the back of her hand.

The waiter interrupts with their food before he can reply and they settle into a casual conversation about their upcoming weekend plans.

She barely touches her food, her stomach consumed with guilt. Thomas was such a good man, but her unresolved issues with Harvey were preventing her from caring about him the way she should.

She was going to go and see him tonight and they were going to put this behind them once and for all.

.

.

June 26, 2019 

8pm - Seattle 

She spots him at the bar and her chest tightens. His sandy blonde hair tousled, his cream dress shirt clinging to his chiselled arms. Watching him from across the room she begins to wonder if he'd always looked so good or if her mind was playing games with her after not having seen him for just over a month.

She loathes this.

How her heart rate picks up at the sight of him. The blush that she knows has settled over her cheeks. The way she's felt more in these five seconds since seeing Harvey at the bar than in five months of being with Thomas.

She loathes herself for allowing the sight of him to make her feel alive.

Steadying her shaky breath, she forces herself to seem put together as she begins to cross the bar towards him. This was it, she was about to make her peace with him and move on for good.

He senses her come in. He's not sure how, but he'd always had a sixth sense when it came to Donna.

He turns and spots her on the opposite end of the dimly lit bar, copper curls cascaded over her exposed shoulder, covering the freckles he knows litter her skin beneath it. She's wearing a simple black silk dress that falls just above the knee and has a thin strap and his gaze settles on the way her hips sway from side to side and how her tongue peaks out to moisten her crimson lips as she crossed the marble floor towards him.

She stops just shy of where he's seated, watching as he watches her with a small amused smirk.

"Harvey," she greets, claiming the bar stool next to him by gently tossing her bag onto the granite countertop he was leaning on.

He tries desperately to remain causal but the mere sight of her undoes something inside his mind and he momentarily forgets where he is.

"Donna," he fires back in a tone he reserves strictly for her.

"How are you?" She asks, motioning for the bartender and not daring to look him directly in the eye.

"Better now," he breathes and he watches as her elbow slips slightly off the counters edge and she falters with his spoken word.

She hadn't expected him to be so blunt. The Harvey Specter she knew was often discrete when it came to flirtatious matters, the man in front of her was anything but.

With his boyish grin and his tousled hair, shoulders relaxed, he almost looked like a new man. Only he had the same chocolate eyes she never allowed herself to get lost in, an air of arrogance that should revolt her but it only piques her interest and his entire demeanour still screamed _best closer in the city_.

He was still _her_ Harvey, only he'd never truly been her Harvey, and sitting here across from him like this, after not having heard from him in just over a month she realized that maybe she'd always been under the false impression that he was, in some sense of the word, hers.

He was always the one that was just _there_. And now that the day had come when he wasn't, she was beginning to realize how much she'd grown to depend on him over the years; that their companionship was a critical component of her life that helped her to become who she was.

Maybe that was why trying to cut him out had been so hard. He was so ingrained in everything she'd become, everything that she was. Detangling him from her web was not going to be simple or come easily, this she now realized. Saying goodbye to a man like Harvey, who had gone from being a stranger to being her right hand, was going to be the hardest thing she would ever have to do.

But she had no doubt it was what needed to be done.

"Cute," she teases, though she's not sure where she finds the heart to play along with his joke.

It comes naturally, she supposes, the quick witted rapport and the way she always finds herself succumbing to his charm. It's one of the things she finds most endearing about him, the boyish charm he manages to pull off so well for a grown man. But, it's also one of the things she hates most about herself, her ability to fall for it in a matter of milliseconds.

"How have you been Donna?" He asks, turning towards her with a timid look on his face, the playfulness of the prior moment long gone.

She contemplates telling him she misses the city but the thought is fleeting and she knows it would be best to tell him what she'd rehearsed in her head a hundred times on her way over, she was doing well, she liked her new job, Seattle was great, as was Thomas.

She turns towards him, angling her body between his and the bar in a shy way that he isn't used to seeing and he can tell, she's nervous. He waits for a response and suddenly his blood runs cold.

He had no idea what he expected to gain from this evening, but one thing he knows is that he can't leave here on bad terms with her; he needs her in his life in some shape or form.

Ideally, he would stand up and tell her he was a complete and utter fool for letting her go because he loved her. But he knew he couldn't do that to her, not when she was happy with someone else. She deserved better than him. Better than a man who lets the women he loves walk out of his life without putting up a fight.

"I've been… adjusting," she finally answers and he can tell her words are truthful.

"It's a lot," she admits, letting out the breath she'd been subconsciously holding in since taking her seat.

"But Thomas has been great, really helpful and the company is great."

"Great," he parrots, cringing at the mention of Kessler.

"What about you? How are things…" she stops herself before she can say back home, "in the city?"

"Same old same old. Louis has been up to his old tricks, messing with the new associates and raining hell on the ones who need to be put into place. Nothing ever really changes," he shrugs, quickly downing the contents of his scotch glass and motioning for another.

She follows his lead and finishes the drink that had been placed in front of her by the bartender, motioning for a second as well.

"I guess nothing really does change," she mumbles in agreement.

"Well, some things change," he cocks an eyebrow slightly and steals a glance of her.

"Do you miss the city?" He dares to ask but before she has a chance to answer the bartender returns and places two new glasses in front of them.

They share a brief knowing glance before swiftly downing the contents and motioning for a third.

"Sometimes," she admits with a sigh, "I think I miss the life I had there a bit more than the city itself."

"You're missed," he says softly, her eyes growing wide, breath hitching as his hand falls dangerously close to where hers is resting on the bar, pinky itching to be touched.

"By everyone at the firm I mean," he adds, but the tension that's made the air in the room grow thick and sticky doesn't slip away. Instead, it's amplified as his smallest finger gently brushes against hers, a jolt rushing through her.

"Right, well I miss everyone at the firm."

He has no idea what's come over him, but an all consuming need to touch her is pulsing through him and he can't catch his breath or even remember what it feels like to breathe.

Did she miss him? And if she did, what did that mean? You could miss your friends, hell, you could miss your colleagues even. He knows he's being irrational, but the thought of her missing him picks up his pulse and he panics.

He excuses himself and finds the nearest men's room where he splashes himself in the face with the cool water running from the tap and does his best to steady his breathing.

This was Donna for god's sake. The same Donna he spent countless late nights with on the floor of his office eating that shitty Thai food she loved so much. The same women who helped him with his holiday shopping each year and reminded him to call Marcus on his birthday. She'd seen every up and down, every weakness. He had no need to be nervous now. It was Donna. _His_ Donna.

He grabs both sides of the sink and stares into his reflection, whispering a few words of encouragement to himself before rejoining her at the bar.

Meanwhile, at the bar, Donna does her best to try and figure out what just happened between them, but she's drawing a blank. She wasn't sure if she was acting weird or Harvey was, maybe it was a combination but either way, this was not _them_. They didn't tip toe around one another. They'd always been the type of friends that were able to tell each other the hard truths and she doesn't see why that should stop now, why they couldn't keep being the Harvey and Donna that they once were in Manhattan.

.

.

May 31, 2019

Manhattan 

_She'd noticed him as soon as he entered, something of a sixth sense she'd developed towards him. She and Thomas had been making the rounds saying goodbye to everyone when he stepped off the elevator and she caught sight of him out of the corner of her eye._

_After excusing herself to pack up the few items that remained in her office, she leaves Thomas to the party crowd and begins her way down the corridor of the 50th floor._

_She stops just outside of his office, peering in as she runs her fingers along the surface of her former desk and sits in her old chair._

_This is where it all began._

_Well, technically it had begun at the DA's office, but this desk, this firm, this is where she'd made a name for herself._

_There was a time in her life when she resented her decision to follow him to Pearson Hardman; back when she thought maybe they could have been something if she'd declined to come and work for him._

_She knows now that that isn't true._

_He wasn't ready back then, nor was he ready now and she was doubtful that he ever would be ready in the capacity she needed him to be._

_She knows now that taking that job changed her life, that she wouldn't be where she was today without it. And for that, she is thankful._

_Leaning back in her chair, she closes her eyes for a moment, thinking back on all the incredible memories she was about to walk away from._

_The first trial Harvey won._

_The day he became a name partner._

_The first and last time they used the can opener._

_The day she was promoted to COO._

_These four walls had watched her grow from a hopeful young actress who was undoubtedly in love with her boss to a professional COO (who was still smitten with her former boss, but she hid it better)._

_She gets up from her former desk and saunters into his office, trailing her fingers along the edges of his desk, the very place she'd left her resignation letter last year._

_They'd been through so much, but they'd been through it all together._

_Mike facing prison, Jessica leaving._

_She'd been by his side as the firm saw name change after name change, and he'd been by hers._

_She takes one finally look around his office and says a mental goodbye, thanking it for the years chalked full of pleasant memories._

_For as wonderful as the memories were, it was time to make new ones; it was time to stop holding out hope and move on._

_They couldn't be the Harvey and Donna that spent late nights working on his office floor anymore. They couldn't be the pair that spent every waking hour at the office together. It had become too painful, and she couldn't keep convincing herself she was okay with the relationship they had when she knew she wanted more._

.

.

June 26, 2019

Hotel Bar - Seattle

Harvey rejoins her moments later, sliding back into his seat with a smile before shaking his head slightly and laughing.

"What?" She asks, amused by his sudden change in attitude.

"Nothing it's just, this isn't us. We're not awkward or tense like this. Look, Donna, I know last time we saw each other we didn't exactly leave things on a smooth note, but I would really like a chance to move past that and enjoy tonight."

"I'd like that too," she says.

"Great then we're leaving all the awkward behind us?"

"Consider it gone," she smiles.

She knows it's naive, to just pretend that everything is water under the bridge for the sake of enjoying the next few hours, but as soon as he suggests it she knows it's exactly what she needs. Just a few hours just like old times.

It's as though with Harvey's suggestion all the pressure of the evening is magically whisked away and the pair soon find themselves in a corner booth nursing their fourth drinks while Harvey tells a story about Louis and Harold from a few years back.

She can't remember having ever felt this light since moving to Seattle. Sitting beneath the orange-tinted light fixture in the corner of a hotel bar, laughing at the story Harvey is telling, she can hardly remember why she was upset with him.

Everything came naturally when it came to the two of them. She never felt their conversation was forced, and amazingly enough it never seemed to bore her or come to an end. They talked about the new Star Wars movie that Harvey had recently seen and she listened as he went on about the faults of the film and why the originals would always be better. She filled him in on Mike and Rachel's lives and about all the time she'd spent with Rachel since moving to the city.

"Is your new office nicer than your old one?" He asks as they begin to talk about some of her new responsibilities in her new role.

"Hmm, that depends," she smirks.

"On?"

"Well the new one is nice, has a lovely view of the city and it is bigger but…"

"It doesn't have me," he winks, the cocky attitude he once sported as a young lawyer slipping through his new manly facade.

"It doesn't have you," she repeats, catching him off guard.

At some point a little before midnight, she finds herself seated almost directly next to Harvey, her knee brushing against his beneath the table as they laugh about that god awful dinner party and how her mother's horrible new boyfriend thought they were an item.

.

.

September 24, 2007

Manhattan 

_"Doooonnaaa!" Her mom calls into the kitchen where she and Harvey were hiding out and snacking on chips and wine._

_"Yes mom?" She calls back, gleefully swinging her legs beneath her, her seat on the counter next to where Harvey was standing making them nearly equal in height._

_"Will you two be joining us sometime soon?"_

_"We'll be right out Mrs. Paulsen," Harvey replies, earning him a playful smack in the chest from Donna._

_"I don't want to go back out there, I can't stand that guy," she whines, taking a massive sip of her overfilled wine glass._

_"He's not that bad."_

_"You're only saying that because he's a Yankees fan and he complimented your career choices."_

_"It's not my fault the man has excellent taste," he says, tossing his arms up dramatically before reaching over her lap to steal a chip._

_"I invited you to this thing so you could be my buffer, so please when we go back out there, do your job!"_

_"You're not the boss of—" he begins to protest just as she misjudges her leap down off the counter and stumbles face first into his chest._

_"Oh sorry, am I interrupting?" Her mom's boyfriend, whose name she can't be bothered to remember, asks as he strolls into the kitchen._

_"Your mother asked me to have you grab more napkins."_

_"Right," Donna blushes as she steps away from Harvey and retrieves extra napkins._

_"Buffer," she hisses at Harvey as the two of them follow the older man out into the dining room, purposefully ignoring the weird charged energy between them after their collision._

_As dinner begins, Donna tells her mother's new suitor about her role as Harvey's secretary before her mother fills her in on their recent trip to the Cayman Islands._

_All goes smoothly until dinner is winding down and Harvey is asked how long he and Donna had been together and he nearly chokes on the piece of shrimp he's eating, sending it flying across the room and into Donna's mother's hair; something only he and Donna seem to notice._

_"Oh, we're not together, we're just friends," he explains, doing his best to keep a straight face as he watches the pale pink fish in Mrs. Paulsen's red updo._

_"You know, your father and I were just friends once," her mom winks and Donna groans._

_Donna manages to keep it together for the rest of the conversation but Harvey has to fake a few unsubtle coughs to cover up his laughter. Once the pair manage to escape to the kitchen once again, they burst into a fit of laughter, Harvey doubling over as tears stream down Donna's face._

_Neither is sure if they're still laughing about the unnoticed piece of shrimp, the fact that someone thought they were an item or the entire dinner party situation but they laugh until neither of them can breathe, and it feels good._

_When she finally manages to catch her breath, she moves to lean against the counter beside him and peers up at him, "can you believe…"_

_"Nope. I really can't—"_

_He isn't sure if he's answering a question about the shrimp or relationship, but either way he knows that no is the correct answer._

_Even though part of him wants to tell her he always thought they'd make a great couple, he keeps his mouth shut and helps her with the dishes._

_Some things just weren't meant to be he supposed._

.

.

June 26, 2019 

Hotel Bar - Seattle 

"Do you remember that time your mom's boyfriend thought we were together?" He laughs, the confidence to ask pouring in from his fourth drink.

"Oh god yes," she giggles.

"Can I tell you something?" He asks and she nods, her pulse beginning to race as she waits for him to continue speaking.

"I always thought we would make a good couple back then."

"Oh?" She replies and his eyes find hers and suddenly it's her turn to forget how to breathe. She's falling again, only this time she knows there's likely no turning back because the way he's looking at her makes her feel like she's the only woman on the planet and all she wants to do is melt into his arms.

But she doesn't because they're still in a dingy hotel bar.

And they've only paused their feud for the evening.

And she's spoken for.

But her tongue is tied and his eyes are searching hers for an answer to an unasked question. His palm brushes against her thigh beneath the table and though the contact is brief it's fire and she needs to be anywhere but here.

"We would," he leans over and whispers, sending a chill through her body.

"We would kill each other," she laughs, doing her best to alleviate some of the tension building between them, but to no avail.

"Donna," he practically purrs, his hand daring to settle on her thigh, only unlike the brief skim last time, this time he lets it stay planted on her semi-exposed leg.

"Harvey," sighs, giving herself in to his touch and allowing her heart to flutter at the way his thumb was tracing a small, gentle pattern just above her knee.

The rest of the conversation is conveyed without words, and soon she's following him through the bar and towards the elevators in the hotel lobby. They step inside without so much as a word and he presses the button that reads 13 as the old door dings shut and they stand side by side as it begins to climb.

He doesn't dare touch her, worried that if he gives into the temptation he'll shatter the already fragile moment and he doesn't think his heart can take losing her a second time.

She fidgets with her fingers, anxious and perhaps excited? She isn't able to pinpoint it, her mind is racing. She's thinking with her heart, not her head and she knows this is a dangerous game she's playing but she's always told herself she needed to get out of her head and do what felt right from time to time. Despite knowing it shouldn't, this felt right.

This had always felt right.

The elevator dings and she steps off, following him down the hall towards a door that he opens with a key card. She hesitates before stepping over the threshold, unsure of where this would lead them. In the end, her curiosity gets the better of her and she shuts the door behind her.

She walks over to where he's standing near a short hall table and pauses inches from his face, their eyes meeting with a new found intensity. He steps towards her and she closes her eyes, tilting her head to allow him to close the distance between them, only he doesn't. Instead, his palms find a place on her lower back and begin to work their way upwards, then back down and towards her thighs. He continues to explore her body, wordlessly, as she watches, eyes trained on his movements.

When his fingers reach the hem of her dress, her breath audibly hitches and he quickly cups her ass and lifts her onto the table, legs on either side of him as he leans down and pushes the hair over her shoulder, exposing her neck.

She tilts her head back as he sweeps his hand through her hair and urges him closer by tugging on his collar, but she quickly releases her hold on him.

"Tell me you haven't been dreaming of this moment," he grunts, pressing his hardened length further into her thigh as she wraps her legs behind his calves, her hands not yet daring to touch him.

"Being screwed on a table?" she asks with a coy smile before biting down on her outer lip and tilting her head back further.

"I mean, I've definitely considered my desk," he winks before returning his attention to her neck, pressing a moist kiss just above her collarbone and watching her shudder at the contact.

"You've dreamed about screwing me on your desk?"

"I dream a lot of things," he mumbles, trailing his kisses up her neck and towards her ear.

"Isn't that what this is?" He asks, hoping she'd admit she'd had similar thoughts.

"It sure as shit isn't love," she laughs but her laughter dies all too soon and it's suddenly a little too real.

"What is it then?' he dares to ask.

"Lust? Selfish desire."

"We don't have to…"

"I want you."

And with that his lips find hers and for the first time in years a single kiss makes his head spin and his knees go weak. His lip settles on her upper lip and tugs, eliciting a soft moan from her that goes straight to his groin. Her hands greedily claim a place on his back and urge him closer, his body colliding with hers as he slips his tongue into her mouth.

She knew she shouldn't have followed him up here. But god damn was she glad that she had.

.

.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: If It's Meant To Be (It'll Be)**

* * *

June 27, 2019

(Harvey's hotel room) Seattle

She wakes up as the sun begins to dance through the semi-drawn curtains and paints the sky a hint of orange. Doing her best not to wake Harvey, who was fast asleep beside her, she slips out from under his arm and searches for her dress from the night before.

Finding it on the floor near the small table in the hall, she slips it on and quickly does it up before tossing her hair up into a messy bun and looking around for her bag.

She peers over at Harvey, topless and fast asleep and she cringes. Was she really going to slip out of here after the night of passion they'd had? Did she really have a choice?

She was with Thomas now, and what they did here was wrong; no matter how _right _it felt. What happened with Harvey didn't change the fact that he wasn't ready for a relationship, that he didn't see her _that_ way.

Sure, they had an undeniable sexual chemistry. But hadn't they always?

Last night was a moment of weakness on her part. She gave into her selfish desire to have him and it was as simple as that. That's what she repeats over and over in her mind as she gathers up the last of her things and looks over at Harvey one last time.

She couldn't stay and face the inevitable conversation she knew they had to have. She couldn't handle having him tell her _it didn't mean anything, _when last night meant _everything_ to her.

They'd connected in a way she'd only ever experienced once before, with him. He seemed to understand her in a way that went well beyond thoughts and actions and it terrified her, how right it felt to be with him.

After all those years of holding back, years of not touching, not risking anything, their resolve had crumbled around them in a matter of seconds. The pretense had been dropped and now everything was a mess.

She needed to leave because she knew she wasn't ready to have Harvey diminish whatever it was that happened between them last night, but she couldn't exactly go home to Thomas when she had no idea how to explain what had happened between her and Harvey.

Her mind was whirling.

And in the midst of all the chaos, she finds herself thinking about how angry he must be with her, for making him the one thing he swore he would never be.

And that was the really fucked up part. She swore to herself that when she moved to Seattle, she would start putting herself first and now, here she was standing in the threshold of Harvey's hotel room worried about how he must feel when she'd practically just hit the self destruct button on her own relationship.

"Donna?" He stirs, rubbing his eyes as he turns towards where she was about to open the door.

"Where are you going?" He adds.

"I have to go. We should probably just pretend this didn't happen," she says, gesturing between them.

"Does this mean we can go back to being friends?" he asks absentmindedly.

"Were we ever really friends?" She sighs before stepping out into the hallway and shutting the door behind her.

She makes it to the elevator on shaky legs before hitting the button for the ground floor and sinking to her knees as the metal box begins its descent.

What the hell was she doing? She came here to get away from Harvey, to escape the person she'd become; one that was willing to wait around until the end of time for him. And she was happy with Thomas. They were beginning to build a life together. But Harvey…

Was Harvey.

And try as she might, part of her heart would always belong to Harvey Specter.

She'd always prided herself on being a good person, so thinking about what she'd just done to Thomas makes her feel ill, but at the same time, she knew what just happened had nothing to do with Thomas.

It would have happened with or without him in the picture.

It didn't make it right or justifiable by any means, but for as long as she could remember, she wanted to be wanted by Harvey. She craved his attention in the way he gave attention to other girls. And last night, she finally learned what it felt like to be wanted by him, and she was high on the feeling it brought her.

She slowly climbs to her feet as the elevator reaches the ground floor and smooths down her dress. Collecting her thoughts, she attempts to pull herself together before stepping into the lobby as her phone rings.

Retrieving it from her purse, she answers the call without checking the caller ID as she exits the building.

"Hey, you didn't come home last night, just wanted to make sure everything was alright?" Thomas' voice echoes on the other end.

"Oh yeah, everything's fine. I ended up drinking a little bit more than expected so I spent the night at Mike and Rachel's."

"Alright. Tell them I said hello. See you this afternoon for lunch?"

"Do you think we can reschedule? I have a few things I wanted to get done this afternoon and …"

"Say no more, consider it rescheduled."

After hanging up with Thomas she sends Rachel a quick message telling her that if Thomas asked she stayed with them last night and not to ask because it was a long story she didn't feel like explaining, though she knew her best friend wouldn't accept that as an answer for too long.

She considers calling a taxi and heading home to change but decides she could use the fresh air and a nice long walk to clear her head.

She's not quite sure where she's walking to but she supposes she'll figure it out when she gets there.

She slept with Harvey Specter last night.

Her former boss. One time lover. Long time keeper of her heart.

She met with him with the intentions of saying goodbye and moving on and instead she let him in and she knew saying goodbye was nearly impossible now that she knew what it felt like when they were together.

He was much more patient than she remembered. And his hands. My god she could write a novel about the way… snap out of it! She internally curses herself.

She shouldn't be thinking about this. It was wrong.

It was wrong that she woke up craving the way he tasted. And that he got her off more times last night than she thought possible.

Or, was it wrong that they hadn't been doing this for years? Hadn't been indulging in each other the way they could have been.

She shakes her head and curses herself for even having this internal debate.

Get out of your head, Paulsen, that's how you got yourself into this mess.

She ends up at a small fountain in a park she enjoyed near the water side and takes a seat in one of the benches next to an assortment of rose bushes. She watches as the water from the fountain pulsates and shoots higher into the air before dialing back down and repeating the cycle all over again. She watches with a blank mind for a few minutes, wishing her life could be as simple as the fountain cycle.

Or like that time in the fifth grade when Adam Johnson told her he loved her beside the school water fountain and they decided they would get married and buy a house in the suburbs. It was so simple back then. He told her he loved her and that was that.

Now, her love life was a complicated mess. She'd been caught in her own web, and now there was nothing to do but wait for the fallout.

She's not sure how long she sits there, thinking about nothing and thinking about everything.

She wasn't sure what it all meant.

Where did this leave them? Where did it leave her and Thomas?

As the sky begins to cloud over she begins her walk back to their apartment, pulling out her phone for the first time since she left his apartment room that morning. She had a message from Thomas telling her he hoped she had a great time with Rachel, and a message from Rachel with a few question marks but unsurprisingly, there was nothing from Harvey.

Figures he would run without saying a word. She shouldn't be surprised, he always ran.

But could she blame him? She'd made him the one thing he'd always resented, made his life more difficult. Things would have been easier if they'd just moved on and pretended they never mattered to one another.

She shakes her head as she continues to walk, not sure who to place the blame on. It wasn't all on her, but it wasn't his fault either. It was a chaotic mess of what could have been that erupted and left her stumped.

As she reached her apartment, she decides the best thing she can do is to just move past it, forget it ever happened, just like they always did.

In the end, she knew nothing would come of what happened between her and Harvey, whereas she was building a life with Thomas. It was wrong, and the sinking feeling in her gut told her she would always be appalled with herself for what had happened. But she had to move on and Thomas was the key to doing so.

Harvey was her past, Thomas was her future.

.

.

"Were we ever really friends?" He hears her ask and even in his semi-sleepy state the statement cuts straight through the heart and leaves him feeling breathless.

He processes her words as he slowly rises from beneath the covers, but by the time he frees himself from the confines of the sheets, she's already long gone.

He sprints towards the elevator and through the lobby but it's no use, she's gone.

Stumbling back into the hotel elevator he drags his hand through his bed head, the sweatpants he had tossed on with an old Harvard shirt standing out among the suited men standing with him in the ascending metal box.

He reaches for his phone from the bedside table as soon as he makes it back to his room and opens their last text conversation. His thumb hovers over the keyboard but his mind draws a blank.

What the hell was he even supposed to say to her? That he had a great time last night and he'd love to do it again sometime? Because he knew it wasn't that simple. She was taken for god's sake. She wasn't his to have and yet, he got to have her and my god did he want to experience their evening again.

Being with Donna was like everything he'd ever imagined it would be. It made him feel whole in ways he hadn't known he was lacking substance in his life. Her kiss made him feel like every star in the universe had aligned and for the second time in his life he was reminded of how powerful sex could be.

Time stopped while he made love to Donna Paulsen.

There was simply nothing in the world that compared to the way their bodies melded together as they chased their combined high.

Last night, he was at the mercy of her slender fingers and now, his own hovered aimlessly over his keyboard as he fought to find the words that conveyed what he wanted to say.

Last night was not a mistake. Not in his mind. It was a long time coming. It was twelve years of the static charge that built up just before the thunder came crashing down and the rain began to pour. And now, the rain was pouring.

He begins to type, his mind foggy.

**Donna, that was…**

Delete. Delete. Delete.

**Last night was….**

God. Why was this so hard?

**I think I love you. No, I know I love you.**

Delete.

He couldn't do that to her, not while she was still with Thomas, it wasn't his place.

It wasn't his place to take her to bed either. Placing his phone back down on the table, the magnitude of what they'd done begins to wash over him and he pales.

He'd just made her life a million times harder. He never should have texted her, never should have suggested that final drink, never should have let himself love her.

He ends up convincing himself it would be better for her if he let her go, like she'd once requested and doesn't try to contact her. After packing up his suitcase he glances around his hotel room ensuring he hadn't forgotten anything before he shuts off the light and closes the door behind him.

Thirteen years. He'd managed to keep his feelings at bay for thirteen years and now that he'd opened the Pandora's box that was his heart, he knew there was no going back.

This was the place he finally admitted to himself that he loved Donna Paulsen.

And it was also the place he lost her for good.

Confused, upset, and alone he boards his plane back to Manhattan, a whirlwind of self hatred. He was no better than his mother had been. He was selfish and in the end, he realizes the person he's hurt the most may be himself.

Had he admitted how he felt about Donna sooner, maybe they wouldn't be in this mess.

As the plane takes off towards Manhattan, he closes his eyes and forces himself to think of anything else. This chapter of his life was now closed, and it was time to move on, despite the nagging voice in the back of his mind that told him to fight for her, one last time.

.

.

July 2, 2019

Seattle

A few days after leaving that hotel room, Donna is finally able to shake some of the guilt off in an attempt to fully commit herself to her relationship with Thomas, but something isn't quite right.

She told herself she went to see Harvey because she wanted closure, yet she had the furthest thing from closure.

She toyed with the idea of calling him a few times, but each time she pulled up his name in her phone, she felt dirty and she couldn't go through with it.

Eventually, after days of torturing herself, she gave in and told Rachel about the mistake she made, only to be met with a wide-eyed glance and a pitying small accompanying a soft "oh Donna."

.

"_What am I going to do Rach?"_

"_Oh Donna," the brunette says, reaching out to squeeze her palm reassuringly._

"_I ruined the only good relationship I've ever had and for what?"_

"_I wish I knew what to tell you… but honestly Donna, I don't have a clue what to say."_

"_Do you think you're going to see Harvey again?" She adds in a hushed tone._

_Donna pauses to consider her question before answering, "honestly, no. I think I just want to put this whole mess behind me and move on with my life." _

"_Well, then I think you already know what to do. If you're serious about moving on, I think you need to forget it ever happened and move on."_

"_How do you just forget?" _

"_It'll come, with time," Rachel replies with a sad smile._

_._

She knows it isn't ideal. She knows it's _far_ from right. She knows that it will probably eat away at her for years to come, but she also knows Thomas is the man she should want. So she forces herself to push Harvey to the back of her mind.

That is, until her phone rings late one Thursday evening as the sun is beginning to set and her living room is painted a deep shade of orange and her stomach flips as the name _Harvey Specter_ flashes across her screen.

She contemplates answering as it continues to ring, the sound echoing through the empty apartment as the device vibrates in her palm.

On the fifth ring, she decides it's a call that needs to be answered, so she can put the past in the past, once and for all.

"Oh, you picked up," she hears on the other end as she brings the phone to her ear.

"You were expecting me not to?" She breathes, her hands trembling.

"Honestly, no," he replies.

She rounds the couch and takes a seat, tucking her legs beneath her as she peers out the window and presses the phone to her ear.

"Then why did you call?" She asks.

"I-" he pauses, "I felt like we left things a little bit…"

"Unfinished," she says for him.

"Yeah," he sighs.

"Donna-" he says at the same time that she says, "Harvey."

"You go," she suggests, curious as to what made him call nearly a week later when she hadn't heard from him since their night together.

"How are you?" He asks, and her face pales.

"How am I?" She snaps, "How do you think I am Harvey? We…" she stops, unable to say the words out loud for fear that it made things all too real, "I'm fine."

"Donna-"

"What? I said I'm fine, it was clearly a mistake and I'm sorry that I let it happen. I can't imagine how much you must hate me," she begins to rant.

"Donna I… I could never… hate you."

"Let's just forget about it. It was a one time thing, and it's over now. We're both adults that are fully capable of putting this _mistake_ behind us and moving on."

He stays silent on the other end and her stomach lurches once again, waiting for him to say something, anything.

"If that's what you want, consider it forgotten," he whispers.

"Anyways, I've got to get going but I think it would be best if we maintained some distance for a while," she explains. Even though the words are tumbling out of her own mouth, she regrets them. She didn't want to distance herself from him, she wanted to run to him. But they wanted different things, and this is what had to happen.

"Alright. Sure."

"Goodbye Harvey," she says, hanging up before he has a chance to tell her goodbye.

.

He drops his head to his hands as the line goes dead and his world begins to spin. What the hell just happened? Why did he agree to pretend like that night never happened, when it's the only thing that's been on his mind since it happened?

He called Donna with the intention of asking to see her again because he wanted to tell her how he felt. That she shouldn't be with Thomas, she should be with him. But it seemed that wasn't what she wanted.

He'd thought long and hard about what had happened over the past week, and once he pushed past the resentment he felt towards himself, he realized that being with Donna felt right. That he wanted to be with her again.

It was complicated, the way he was feeling. One minute he was angry about what they had done, and the next, he wanted to do it again. Despite the complex emotions that were tangled up with the memories of their evening together, the one thing he knew for certain was that he had feelings for Donna, he just didn't know what to do about it.

So, he gave in and called her.

He wasn't sure what he was hoping to gain from the call, aside from seeing her again, where maybe the right words would come pouring out and everything would make sense in the moment once she was standing in front of him. But he knew that was a long shot.

He wanted more, but he would settle for going back to how things were before she left if it meant not losing her again. He was a closer, he could at least handle that. Or so he thought, somehow between hearing her voice and the sadness that lingered in her tone, his plan became a pipe dream and he was agreeing to pretend it never happened. Hearing her call what happened "a mistake", it hurt. But nothing rivaled the way hearing her apologizing made him feel. It made his heart drop, knowing that after everything that had happened, after he was the one to put her in a bad position, she was apologizing to him. She actually said the words, "_I'm sorry." _And what kind of monster did that make him? He invited her to the bar. He was the one that made the first move, that interfered with her relationship, and she was worried about how their decision made _him _feel. It was maddening. It was heartbreaking and eye-opening all in the same. It made him realize what he should have noticed years ago. She was always putting him first. Tending to his needs before her own. And it was about time he returned the favour. This time, he was going to put her first, and he was going to walk away; even if this was the first time he had no desire to run. For once, his feelings didn't frighten him. But those same feelings were the driving force behind giving her what she wanted; time and space.

This was his worst nightmare and he was about to face it for the second time in his life. He was about to pretend his feelings didn't exist, omit the greatest (or second greatest) night of his life, all because his heart couldn't tell his mind or his mouth what to say. All because he messed up, he took her to bed prematurely and ruined their chances at a real relationship. Again.

.

.

February 3, 2008

Manhattan

_He taps impatiently on the table as he waits for Donna to arrive, his leg moving to the same rhythm. He isn't sure if his jitters are a result of his second cup of coffee, or because he hasn't seen her since their night together so he chalks it up to both._

_When he spots her coming through the diner doors, his shoulders relax and he takes a moment to appreciate just how beautiful she is._

_He's excited. Excited to tell her about the offer at Pearson Hardman and excited to see what's next for them. Though he knew they had a lot of sexual chemistry, their night together was the greatest night of his life and he'd been thinking about it, about her, every waking hour since it happened._

_They had something special, him and Donna. The way they connected transcended emotional and physical and was something else all together. When they were together that night, everything felt right, it was as though everything in the world was happening exactly as it was supposed to happen, and the magnitude of it all overwhelmed him while it challenged him. And Harvey Specter was always up for a challenge._

_Things are going well as he tells her about the firm, but his bubble is burst as she makes her terms clear._

"_We put it out of our heads and pretend it never happened…"_

_The words echo in his mind._

_He never imagined he'd have to choose between having Donna work for him and being in a relationship with Donna, yet here he was faced with an ultimatum. _

_A panic rises inside his chest as he watches her, waiting for his answer._

_Part of him wants to tell her he wants both. Wants to be greedy with her and have her in his personal and professional life._

_A bigger part of him panics and knows that he can't be the best lawyer he can be without her, and he knows that having her in his life a little bit is better than not having her in his life at all. So he agrees to her terms._

_It isn't until days, even months later that he realizes he made a horrible mistake. That he single handedly ruined any chance they had at a real relationship by not fighting for her in that diner. _

_She's not sure why she did it, gave him an ultimatum that ultimately led to the destruction of any chance they ever had at a romantic relationship. _

_Part of her thinks it was a defense mechanism; one that she used to guard her heart from the inevitable heartache that came with getting involved with a player like Harvey Specter. But another part of her wonders if she knew it wasn't the right time for them. Some part of her perhaps knew that this was what they needed. That she was destined to work at Pearson Hardman, but perhaps not destined to be with Harvey Specter. _

.

.

July 7, 2019

Manhattan

As much as he hated to admit it, what they did was eating away at him. He couldn't sleep without visions of her freckles popping into his mind, and he couldn't shake the self hatred he felt for thinking about another man's woman each time it happened.

He cursed inwardly at himself each time her name graced his tongue, and wanted nothing more than to wipe his conscious clean and move on.

But how could he move on when he was the villain in this story? He was the monster, much like his mother had been to all stories about his childhood. And he doubts he'll ever be able to forgive himself for it.

As time goes on, his self loathing worsens which is why he finds himself seated across from Stan, hands folded nervously in his lap as he leans back against the dark leather sofa and tries to remind himself to breathe.

"You were hoping she would leave him," Stan says after Harvey tells him what happened with Donna in Seattle.

"It wasn't like that."

"Ah, but Harvey it was. I know you don't want to hear it but you were the other man here."

"It's different."

"How is this different from what your mother did?"

"It's Donna. She's my… she's… it's just different," he finally manages to say, cheeks flushed.

"Besides, it's never going to happen again. She made it very clear that it was a mistake."

"Do you think it was a mistake?"

"It doesn't matter what I think."

"Harvey. I'm not sure what happened in Seattle with Donna, but what I do know is you have unresolved feelings for her that are not going to go away on their own."

"How could you possibly know that from what I've just told you?"

"You came in here strongly opposed to anyone who cheated, and now here you are sitting on my couch justifying what you and Donna did. A man doesn't change his morals overnight Harvey. You still love her and in your mind what you two did wasn't wrong because of your feeling towards her, perhaps your feelings towards each other?"

"It's not like that… she… she doesn't see me _that_ way."

"Well, regardless, you need to accept the fact that she has decided to move on. As hard as it may be, as long as she's still with him and you pursue her, you are edging towards becoming exactly the kind of man you always told me you despised."

"Are you saying I should let her go?"

"I'm saying that if you want to make a play for her, make a play for her heart and let her decide. You need to communicate using words, tell her how you feel."

"How is telling her how I feel while she's with _him_ any different?"

"Because then she will know what your intentions are and she's free to make her own choice. Right now I'm worried that the two of you are falling into old habits that lack communication."

"That's a load of bullshit, and you know it. She was free to make the decision to walk away the other night, and she didn't! She is just as much to blame as anyone in this situation!"

"Harvey, no one is blaming you…"

"Forget I came in here…" he huffs, storming out of Stan's office with a swift slam of the door.

.

.

July 13, 2019

Seattle

Flopping back down on Mike and Rachel's sofa, Donna takes a long sip of her wine before settling beneath the throw blanket and focusing her eyes on Rachel, who was seated across from her. The pair was having their bi-weekly girls night, a tradition that had come about when Donna first moved to Seattle.

Mike was out with a few guys from the office, leaving Donna and Rachel to themselves and the two bottles of wine they'd consumed. Grateful that Rachel hadn't mentioned _the H word, _all night, she laughs at the story her friend tells about Mike and she feels her shoulders relax. She'd almost forgotten what it felt like to relax and enjoy a night out.

Things with Thomas lately had been fine, but that was just it, they'd be _fine. _This past week they'd both been working late and though nothing changed in their physical relationship, things had changed in her emotional one. Of course, he asked how it was seeing Harvey, and she lied through her teeth and told him it was fine. _Fine. _Everything was just fine.

Her relationship with Thomas.

The way she and Harvey left things.

Her disheveled emotions that kept her up at night wondering if Thomas was the right choice after all.

It was all fucking _fine_.

"Are you going to tell me what you're thinking about or are we going to keep ignoring it?" Rachel asks, interrupting her thoughts.

"I wasn't-"

"Something happened. You talked to him."

"How did you know?"

"I can see it all over your face Donna. It's a wonder Thomas hasn't."

"I…"

"I thought you were going to forget about it? Be with Thomas?"

"And I am," Donna says, unconvincingly.

"Then what's going on in that pretty little head of yours?" Rachel pushes.

"Harvey called me…"

"And?!"

"And nothing. We both agreed it was a mistake and that it would be best if we didn't see each other for a while."

"You both agreed?" Rachel asks.

"Yes."

"Then I'm not sure I see what the problem is?"

"That's exactly the problem Rach. It should be over. We agreed to put everything behind us, forget about it and move on. But…"

"You can't put it out of your mind," Rachel finishes the sentence for her.

"But I want to. And I'm trying to. Really I am. I wake up next to Thomas and it's good and we're happy. Thomas, he makes me happy. He's a good man. But sometimes, I can't help those thoughts from popping into my mind and I hate myself for it. It's wrong Rach. I shouldn't be thinking of him, of _us, _when I'm happy with someone else. But for some reason, I am. Is that even possible when I love Thomas? To be thinking of _him?_"

"Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Love Thomas," Rachel smirks, knowing her friend hadn't realized the words slipped out.

Donna pauses, realizing what she'd said and it suddenly dawns on her; she does love Thomas. If she didn't, she never would have agreed to move here with him. But, she fears that a part of her may also love Harvey, and she didn't have the strength to face the tug of war in her heart.

"I do," she answers softly.

"And Harvey?" Rachel dares to ask.

"It's complicated."

"Look, Donna. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that no matter what happens, I'm here for you. If you want to be with Thomas, then be with Thomas. Same goes for Harvey. All I'm going to say is that you need to decide before you drive yourself mad. Make a decision, but make it for you."

"What if I make the wrong one?" she practically whispers.

"You're Donna, you'll make the right one."

.

.

July 15, 2019

Seattle

Her conversation with Rachel weighed heavy on her mind all night but by the time her head hit the pillow that night, she knew Rachel was right. She couldn't keep torturing herself like this, she had a choice to make and in her heart, she already knew what her choice would be.

A few days later, while sitting in the sun-filled kitchen of their apartment, she finds herself flipping through her phone while Thomas makes them pancakes. She thanks him as he places a few on the plate in front of her and wraps his arms around her from behind while he nuzzles into her neck.

"Thank you," she whispers, leaning back to catch his lips in a kiss.

"Anything for you," he mumbles before beginning to nibble on her earlobe.

"I love you," she breathes and she feels him pause, his breath still heavy on her neck.

He steps around her so he's standing between her legs and his eyes find hers as she relaxes her shoulders and a small smile spreads over her lips, "I love you Thomas," she says again.

"I love you too," he beams, excitedly wrapping his arms around her and lifting her as he twirls her around before kissing her again. She wraps her arms around his head as he carries her back towards their bedroom, their breakfast forgotten about as he shuts the door behind them.

.

.

June 26, 2019

Seattle

_He places both hands beneath her ass and lifts her, her arms wrapped around his head as he moves them back towards the bed. Twirling them around, he places him down before climbing on top of her, his face hovering inches from hers as his hand pushes the bottom of her dress up around her waist. _

_He breaks the kiss as his hands work to push the lace material of her panties aside, his eyes locked on hers. _

_There was something about the moment her eyes locked on his, the ferocity in which her gaze fell upon his, that made him shiver. They'd always had an unparalleled chemistry, but this, this felt like something else; it was unparalleled in his universe. _

_The way her bare skin felt against his. The way her lips nibbling at his neck made the hairs on the back of his neck rise, and how his painfully hard cock fit perfectly in the palm of her hand. _

_For a moment, the sensation is overbearing. It's all consuming and powerful and he thinks that making love to Donna Paulsen might be the single greatest thing that he's ever done, and they've barely begun. _

_She tosses her head back as he begins to kiss down her neck, pausing at the nape of her left breast before resuming his trail of sloppy kisses. Sliding down her body, he pushes the remaining material of her dress up to expose her hips and gently parts her knees as he moves down the mattress. _

_Propped up on her elbows, she leans back and lets out a breathy sigh as he places a kiss to her inner thigh, followed by another as he moves towards her center. _

_The rest is a blur as he focuses on the way she's crying his name over and over. The closer she gets the heavier his name sounds on her tongue and it's like a drug to him, driving him onwards and going straight to his groin. _

_He was high on making love to Donna Paulsen; a kind of high he wanted to keep chasing for the rest of time._

_._

_._

August 2, 2019

Manhattan

An entire month without speaking to her, and he felt lost. Sitting alone at his desk staring at the wall that he once shared with her, he allows himself to wallow in his loneliness. He reaches for his half empty scotch glass and empties the contents, dropping his head into his hands.

After leaving Stan's office, he spent the afternoon wandering through Central Park, contemplating. Stan's words ran clear through his mind and he was beginning to think the man had a point. He was hoping that Donna would leave Thomas when he went to see her that night. And that was wrong. He knows it was wrong, he just couldn't help himself from wanting it. Wanting her.

_Make a play for her heart. _

Stan's words had been haunting him. He hated that he was right, and that he wanted to take his advice. He just wasn't sure how to go about telling her what he wanted. He couldn't just tell her, could he?

His life had become a mess.

And the one person that used to be his guidepost was no longer around to help him navigate it.

He pulls out his phone and places it down on his desk, unlocking it and staring at the blank screen. Was this what his life had become? Was he such a mess that he now drank alone in his office and dreamed of night they used to drink in his office together?

He pulls up her name and begins to draft a text, only he has no idea what to say.

_Make a play for her heart. _

How the hell was he supposed to do that? After all these years, how could he still not know how to tell her.

After the countless nights spent working on case files that could wait but he pushed through because he wanted to spend more time with her. The numerous shopping trips and brunches he secretly enjoyed. Each and every time she surprised him with her tenacity and her drive. The way her nose crinkled when she was focused on reading a document.

He had so many chances to tell her how he felt over the years, and he could never bring himself to do it. Now, his finger hovered over his keyboard as he tried to think of an excuse he can use to reach out to her, but he draws a blank.

How could he possibly make a play for her heart when she deserved better?

.

.

April 12, 2019

Manhattan

_Things had changed between them. Ever since that night he was ready to risk it all and the sight of Thomas Kessler's hand settling on her back as he stepped off that elevator changed his mind. He could feel it. The air was charged when they were in a room together. Everything was different even though nothing had changed. _

_He was going to tell her that night. After Scottie got in his ear and told him if he didn't smarten up, he'd lose her. Of course, he argued that he had nothing to lose but the moment he hung up, he knew she was right. Donna wasn't going to wait around forever and it was about time he told her how he felt. _

_He'd know for a while, that he loved her _that _way. He'd just never found the courage to tell her that this time, he was the one who wanted more. How could he after he got mad at her for kissing him and when he knew she felt nothing from said kiss. Scottie's words woke something in him and for the first time since the other time, he was ready to tell her exactly how he felt. _

_He wanders into the file room, looking for Louis when he spots Donna standing over the copier, her emerald green dress leaving nothing to his imagination as he comes up behind her wearing a coy smile. _

"_Harvey," she greets him without turning around, a grin plastered across her face. _

"_Donna," he volleys, stepping up to the table beside her. _

"_How'd you know it was me?" _

"_You aren't exactly light on your feet," she smirks, passing him a few forms and nodding towards the stapler. _

_He does as she silently asks, reaching for the stapler and puncturing the packet of paper before placing it down on the table beside the copier. _

"_What are you doing in here?" she asks. _

"_Can't a guy help his favourite redhead?" he smiles. _

_She feels a small flutter in her stomach when he refers to her as his favourite redhead but forces herself to keep a straight face. _

"_He can, but that's not why you came in here," she points out. _

"_You're right, I was looking for Louis. But now that I'm here, do you need help?" _

"_Are you seriously offering to help me make copies?" _

"_Yes," he replies softly. _

"_Who are you and what have you done with Harvey Specter?" _

"_Ha ha, very funny. Pass me the next pile," he says as he reaches for the next stack and staples the forms together. _

"_I haven't seen you in a while, it'll be nice to help."_

"_You saw me in a meeting this morning," she points out. _

"_You know what I mean." _

"_How are you? How's…" he's tempted to say Thomas but he hesitates before he can. _

"_We're good Harvey," she finishes for him. _

_She knows he told her that he was happy for her, but part of her wonders if maybe he's bothered by her relationship with Thomas the way he once was with Stephen. She swore he was about to mention _them _the other night, before Thomas showed up, and she wants to know what he would have said if they hadn't been interrupted._

_They continue to work in a silent tandem for a while. Donna passing Harvey papers. Harvey stapling and stacking them. It's systematic but that charged energy is in the air again and he's struggling to ignore it. He tries to keep his mind busy as they work, but then she's stepping around him at the same time he turns to grab more staples and she's colliding into his chest and reaching for his arms to steady herself. _

_Time pauses for a moment as his hands reach for hers and his eyes settle on hers, and for what feels like an eternity, they're anywhere but the office file room. He hesitates for a moment, his eyes now focused on her pale pink lips and he feels her shift forwards in his arms. His mind is racing because this is his chance to tell her, he could so easily bend down and steal a kiss, return the one she'd stolen in her office that night. But she just told him things between her and Thomas were going well and he can't manage to find the words to tell her he's all in, that he wants more than a kiss. _

_Instead of giving in to temptation, he releases his hold on her but stays planted inches from her face, both of them breathing heavily, uncertain. _

"_I would," he whispers. _

"_You would?"_

"_But I won't."_

"_You won't?"_

"_I can't," he breathes, "but just know I want too."_

_And with that, he turns and sees himself out of the file room. Neither of them bring up the moment again and a month later she's moving across the country with Thomas Kessler._

_._

_._

August 2, 2019

Seattle

Sitting alone in her office, long after everyone else has returned home, she takes a long sip of the scotch she poured herself and stares out the window over the Seattle skyline.

In the past, she would stroll next door to see if he was in his office and they'd crack open a bottle of scotch. Tonight, she drinks alone and toasts to their memory.

She pulls out her phone and considers sending him a message, but soon convinces herself it wouldn't be right. She chose Thomas. She decided to love Thomas, not Harvey. It was the most difficult decision she'd ever had to make, and she wasn't even sure there was a decision to make. She knew how she was feeling, but Harvey's emotions were once again a mystery to her.

He agreed to forget that night ever happened, just like he agreed to forget about the other time all those years ago. Maybe she was fooling herself into thinking she had a choice to make; when Harvey had decided for her all those years ago.

.

.

August 31, 2019

Manhattan 

Weaving through the heavy pedestrian traffic, she hustles down the sidewalk on the Upper East Side where she's supposed to be meeting Louis for lunch. She's already running late, which is unlike her, but something in the window of a shop she passes by catches her eye and she decides to make a small pit stop and check it out.

After making her purchase she steps back out onto the crowded sidewalk and steps into the blaring sun only to collide with a tall man in a suit going the opposite direction.

She stumbles forward but steadies herself using the man's arm, only drawing back to see who she'd bumped into after she stabilized herself.

She finds herself peering up into chocolate brown eyes and the colour drains from her face.

"Harvey?"

* * *

As always, all the love to my fabulous Beta who I would be lost without xx (Seriously, May you're a rock star)


	4. Chapter 4

[A massive thank you to May, the kick-ass beta for tolerating my nonsense and 'tossing' this an edit]

* * *

**Chapter 4 - Beck and Call**

August 31, 2019

Manhattan 

"Harvey?" She stares back at him wide eyed.

"Donna," he breathes, his face dripping with surprise.

"I didn't know you were in town," he says.

"I thought it would be best if I didn't say anything. You know, help with keeping some distance," she mumbles the bullshit excuse she'd sold herself for hours after she considered calling him.

"How are you?" She adds.

"Donna— we don't have to," he pauses before saying "make small talk."

"I want to," she says, flashing him a reassuring smile.

"So, how are you?" She asks again.

"I've been alright, work has been busy, but when is it not," he replies.

"How are things in Seattle?"

"They're good. Things at work are finally starting to fall into place, I'm enjoying it."

"I'm happy to hear that," he says with a timid smile.

"Anyways, I shouldn't keep you from where you're headed, but it was good to see you Donna."

"You too Harvey," she replies with a sad smile as he turns to walk away.

"Harvey!" She calls after him and he pauses a few steps away from her, turning back to face her.

"What are you doing tonight? Around 7?"

"I- Nothing," he answers, facing dripping with confusion.

"Could we maybe grab dinner later? Talk?"

He pauses, contemplating her offer. He knows he shouldn't. That it would be in both of their best interests to walk away, but a nagging voice in the back of his mind is screaming at him to accept.

After his conversation with Stan, his anger about what happened spiked before falling once again. In the end, he decided that his feelings for Donna out-weighed the anger he felt, and that if he ever wanted to maintain some type of relationship with her, he needed to push past what happened.

As he discussed with Stan in a second meeting he'd set up, he learned he was not his mother, and her mistakes were not his. He knew it didn't make what he and Donna did any better, but it eased the self-resentment.

It would certainly be easier to turn down Donna's offer. But easy had never been his style.

"Sure, I'd like that," he smiles.

"Del Posto?"

"Sure, I'll see you there," he says before turning and crossing the street.

She continues on her way to meet Louis with a smile painted on her face. She isn't sure why she asked him to dinner, and has no idea what they'll even talk about, but she's glad she ran into him.

She hadn't thought about Harvey in a while, but seeing him, his chocolate brown eyes melting into hers, she's taken back to another time. It took her weeks of sleepless nights, trying to put what happened between them out of her mind, and she succeeded for a while. She successfully focused all her attention on her relationship with Thomas, and Harvey gave her the distance she needed.

Which was shocking when she actually sat to think about it. Harvey wasn't usually the type to respect their boundaries, yet he was giving her what she asked for and the territory was unfamiliar to her. He was an enigma. His emotions always had been a mystery to her and this was no exception. Old Harvey never would have respected her wish for space, even if he would have agreed to pretend nothing happened.

Asking him to dinner was probably a terrible idea. But she missed him. She missed their friendship, and she missed their conversations.

She has no clue what they'll talk about, or why he agreed, but she hopes that whatever becomes of the night, it will be a step in the right direction.

.

.

August 31, 2019

Del Posto - Manhattan

Picking up a lengthy red dress, she holds it up and examines her figure in the mirror before shaking her head and tossing it on the bed behind her with a frustrated sigh. This was ridiculous. She shouldn't be wasting this much energy trying to choose an outfit for her dinner with Harvey. It was a casual dinner and she only had three dresses to choose from, yet she'd been contemplating the pros and cons of each for nearly 45 minutes.

The red dress, while it was flattering, had a long slight up the right side and she worried it might be too forward for what she was telling herself was a "casual" dinner. The black dress she'd packed had potential; it was long sleeved and had a belt around the waist and the light material fell just below her knee, but the low cut at the front showcased more cleavage than she felt appropriate. Finally, she had a pale yellow halter dress, but it was more of a summer dress than a fancy one and she wasn't sure it was entirely appropriate for Del Posto.

In the end, she settles on the yellow dress, deciding that she'd been a loyal customer to Del Posto over the years and they could tolerate her decision to dress down this evening. That, and the fact that she didn't want to give Harvey the wrong idea. She'd already invited him to dinner at _their_ place, of all places, she didn't need to push any further.

Tossing her curls back over her shoulder, she applies a coat of red lipstick before giving herself a once over in the mirror and deeming herself ready. Ready for what exactly, she wasn't sure. Dinner with an old friend? An old flame? The man she secretly still spent countless nights dreaming about?

She grabs her jacket and throws it over her arm before placing her phone into her purse and stepping out into the hotel hallway. The entire elevator ride to the lobby she tries to shake her nerves but it's no use, she's a mess. After calling a cab and giving the driver the destination, she does her best to try and relax but she finds herself going over everything that could potentially go wrong this evening. Of all the scenerio's that pop into her mind, Thomas isn't involved in any, and _that_ is a worrisome thought she pushes away for the time being.

She spots him waiting outside as she pulls up and she feels her shoulder relax. She was being ridiculous. This was Harvey. The same Harvey she spent a decade working with. The man she knew better than anyone. This dinner was going to be _fine. _It was just a meal with an old friend; an old friend she'd recently fallen into bed with.

.

.

September 12, 2015

Del Posto - Manhattan

"_Harvey," she greets him as she steps out of the cab and finds him waiting outside the restaurant. "Who are those for?" she adds, eyeing the flowers in his right hand. _

"_You," he blushes as he passes them to her. _

"_Harv-"_

"_Before you protest, it wasn't planned. I was walking by this stand on my way here and well, they reminded me of you."_

_She smiles as she eyes the flowers, a mixture of sunflowers and roses and her heart pounds against her chest. _

"_They did?" she smiles as she accepts the bouquet. _

"_Yeah… they're just, they look happy and you're always smiling and they're beautiful," he mumbles, shoving his hands in his pant pockets as he speaks. _

"_Thank you, Harvey. I love them," she grins. Did he just call her beautiful? _

"_I'm glad," he smirks, extending an arm to her, "Shall we?" _

_They're seated at their usual table and quickly fall into a conversation about the latest case Mike and Harvey had taken. _

_She loved that even after all these years, they never seemed to run out of things to talk about. Their conversation moved from work to how Marcus and the kids were doing and somehow they ended up talking about the first shows they'd seen on Broadway. For her, it was Phantom, him it was Rent._

_She watches as his eyes crinkle at the corners, a side effect of the wide smile that graced his face as he told her the story about his family taking a trip into the city one summer when he was only ten to see the show. _

_He hardly ever shared stories from his childhood, most of them tainted with memories of his mother, and she loved the occasional glance she got of what his childhood was like. _

"_What about you?" He smiles across the table at her._

"_What about me?" She replies._

"_When you first came to work for me, you made me promise that I'd let you slip out for auditions. For a while at the DA's office I remember you were attending quite a few. What changed?" He asks._

_You. She thinks to herself, though she doesn't voice the thought. She'd thought about his question a few times over the years when she began to realize she was invited to fewer and fewer events by her old theater friends because she was spending more time at the office. After college, she never considered becoming anything other than an actress. Every other role she took was simply a stepping stone on her way to the top. Until she started working for Harvey and things began to change. _

_She knows he isn't the reason she decided to slowly pull back from acting, but what he represented definitely played a large role. Over the years, she began to feel at home working for him. She became more confident in her own role and without even realizing it, she began to love what she did. _

"_I guess I discovered I could be passionate about more than one thing. I never thought I'd enjoy doing anything else…"_

"_Do you regret it?" He asks, his eyes broad and honest. _

"_Not even a little bit," she smiles. _

_They go back to trading childhood stories as they order dessert and the evening seems to fly by. Before she knows it, they're out on the sidewalk again getting ready to part ways. _

_Tucking the flowers under one arm, she steps towards the curb to hail a cab when she hears him call her name. _

"_Donna wait! It's a nice night, let me walk you," he offers._

"_Sure, I'd like that," she smiles. _

.

.

August 31, 2019

Del Posto - Manhattan

"You came," he grins as she greets him.

"You thought I wouldn't?" she laughs slightly, doing her best to keep the mood light.

"I wasn't sure you wanted to see me. I just thought maybe you invited me out of-"

"I wanted to see you Harvey. I'm glad we ran into each other," she clarifies and feels herself beginning to relax.

"This isn't going to be weird, is it?"

"I think it's only weird if we make it weird," she replies, "so let's not make it weird."

"I think we can handle that," he beams, "shall we?"

She follows him inside where they are seated at a corner booth. She's suddenly overly conscious of her dress choice but distracts herself with the menu that she'd long since memorized.

"So… how's work?" he asks awkwardly.

"The awkward small talk isn't helping, is it?" Harvey adds.

"No," she admits, feeling her shoulders drop as she forces herself to relax.

"How's Mike?" he tries again, desperate to spark some sort of conversation.

"Last week Rachel was telling me how he attempted to make this homemade sauce and he set off the fire alarm and caused their entire apartment building to have to evacuate the building," she laughs, remembering how angry Rachel sounded on the phone.

"And I bet he was defending himself all the way until they were let back into the building," Harvey snickers.

"Try for several days afterwards," she adds.

Harvey's laughter dies down and his smile slowly fades when she speaks again, "You miss him."

It comes out as more of a statement than a question, but she knows he does. He never had close friends before Mike came along, and over the years she watched something in him shift as he began to let Mike in. Having Mike and Rachel leave was impossibly hard on Harvey, and she only now realizes that she must have added to that pain when she followed Thomas to Seattle.

"I do," he replies. "Life is very different here now."

"I was actually considering… you know what never mind, it's stupid."

"I doubt it is, what?" she prods.

"I've been considering stepping down. Going to work for a smaller firm, maybe help the good guys for a change."

"But you've always loved corporate law, why the sudden change in heart?"

"I guess I'm not the same guy I once was," he replies, looking her in the eye for a brief moment before his gaze shifts to his hands in his lap.

Their food arrives and they eat while sharing more stories about Mike, doing everything and anything to avoid talking about their personal lives. It was too much of a slippery slope. Talking about their friends was a safe bet, there was no way the conversation could take a turn and be redirected to involve talking about feelings, or what happened between them.

Despite the conversation being focused on others, she finds it flows easily and she soon forgets why she was nervous about coming tonight. Talking to Harvey had always come so naturally, and back when they worked together it was often the highlight of her day. The waiter delivers their desserts, chocolate cake for Harvey and cherry cheesecake for Donna. She eyes his as she bites into her own dessert and he catches her staring.

"You can have a bite you know, you always steal one anyways," he says.

"I just didn't want to overstep."

"Overstep? You used to buy your own Christmas gifts with my credit card."

"I know, it's just after…"

"Hey, look at me. Nothing has changed. I'm still Harvey, you're still Donna, and we can still share dessert."

She smiles and moves her fork to his side of the table, stealing a piece of his cake. She lets him pay the bill after he insists, and soon they find themselves out on the pavement outfront of the restaurant.

"I should get back to my hotel, I have an early meeting tomorrow and then I have a flight to catch," she explains.

"Where are you staying?"

"Just up the street from your apartment actually."

"Perfect, I'll walk with you."

"Oh you really don't have to, I was just going to catch a cab."

"Nonsense, it's such a nice night it would be a waste if we didn't enjoy it," he says, not wanting to say goodbye just yet.

.

.

August 31, 2019

Donna's Hotel - Manhattan

"Do you remember that time Louis caught us stealing his last bottle of scotch?" he laughs as they stroll down the sidewalk in the direction of his apartment.

"God he was _so_ mad!" she giggles, placing her palm on his forearm before swiftly pulling it away.

"We had no choice, we had to celebrate!"

"Well, we didn't have to."

"We did, an entire year as COO is something to be celebrated Donna."

She blushes and looks down at her heels, not knowing how to respond but the sound of his voice saves her from having too.

"Is this it?" he asks, looking up at the large hotel across the street from them.

"It is. Thanks for walking me," she turns towards him and smiles.

"It was really nice seeing you Donna."

"You too," she replies softly.

"Have a safe flight and maybe I'll see you around sometime?"

"Maybe," she replies with a hopeful smile.

Without warning he pulls her into a hug and she finds herself resting her head on his shoulder. Her hair smells like a mixture of herbs and vanilla and he tightens his grip around her, practically crushing her into his chest. He isn't sure when they'll see each other and he just wants to hold her for a moment before he lets her go. Physically and metaphorically.

Her hands settle on the back of his neck as they stand locked in their goodbye embrace. She's certain that time stands still as he begins to pull away, and all she wants is to stay locked in his embrace for a moment longer. Her hands stay locked behind his neck as he begins to break their hug, his eyes scanning hers. She barely has a moment to think before she's pressing her lips to his and she feels him relax into the kiss and kiss her back. The kiss is hot and heavy before he pushes her back once he realizes what they're doing. He sticks his hands into his pockets, fumbling for the right words.

"Right I should, um, go. Goodnight Donna," he says as he quickly turns on his heel and heads towards his apartment.

"Goodnight Harvey," she mumbles into the darkness, her fingers coming up to feel the ghost of his lips against her own.

This was insane. She had been pacing up and down the hallway of her hotel room for nearly 20 minutes replaying that kiss over and over, each time relishing in the way her stomach filled with a nervous excitement. She shouldn't feel this way, and yet- she did. She should be angry that he kissed her, that once again she was back in this position, where Thomas was in the middle of something he had no place being.

.

.

August 31, 2019

Harvey's Apartment - Manhattan

She's not sure what she's thinking, aside from the fact that she isn't, but somehow her feet have carried her to Harvey's apartment, where she paces the length of the lobby for several minutes. She had set out for a walk and somehow her feet just carried her here. An old habit she supposes. Over the years when times got tough she often found herself strolling past Harvey's apartment; seeking comfort, friendship, she wasn't sure what.

What the hell was she doing? She's in the midst of racking her brain for an answer to that question when she spots Harvey stepping off the elevator, then stepping back on and then off again. He takes three steps in the direction of the lobby and two back when he spots her. He stares at her quizzically and she begins to wonder if he was going through the same insane thought process that she was. She watches him draw in a deep breath and step back into the elevator and she follows.

The ride up to his apartment is silent. Neither of them dare say a word or make a motion. Instead, she follows him in silence as he unlocks the door and she trails in behind him.

"Donna, what are you—" he begins to ask but is swiftly interrupted by her lips on his, her body crashing into his with impressive force. They tumble down his hall, tangled up in one another. Her arms claw at his back as his palms draw her nearer by the waist, all the while their tongues invade one another's mouths. A small nagging thought in the back of his mind screams that this was wrong, but god damn having her in his arms felt _so _right.

This isn't love, it's lust and it's wrong.

But it doesn't feel wrong.

He wrestles with his internal monologue, torn between not wanting to be the kind of man he had resented all his life and wanting Donna to be his to love.

He pulls back from the kiss as they reach his living room, placing one hand on each of her shoulders. He stares at her swollen lips and swallows hard.

"Donna-," he begins, "we need to talk about this."

"About what?" she responds in her lust filled haze.

"Us."

"There is no us," she responds coldly.

"Then what are we doing here?"

"You tell me, what are we doing here?" she fires back. She needed to know. To hear the words from him. She was certain he felt it too, this connection between them. She'd asked him once before, how he loved her but he wasn't ready to answer. She was hoping that now, after everything, he was finally ready. She was hoping he would fight for her.

"Donna I-,"

"I knew it, even after everything we've been through you still can't say it. Can you?"

"It's not my place to say it," he replies.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she snaps, stepping away from him.

"How am I supposed to tell you that I want something more when you're with _him?_"

"Let me get this straight, you can't tell me how you feel because of Thomas but you can kiss me the way you did outside of my hotel when I'm with him?"

She's angry now, pacing the length of his living room with her arms folded over her chest. While she paces, he stays rooted in his spot, staring at her wide-eyed.

"That's what I thought," she remarks with a huff when he doesn't respond. "You've always been a coward, and now you're being a hypocrite!"

"Me?! You're the one who's taken and might I remind you that you're the one who kissed me! And you were the one who showed up here!" He yells.

"You kissed me back!"

"You asked me to dinner!" He throws his hands up in frustration.

"As friends!" She exclaims.

"I thought we were never _really_ friends," he spits, repeating the same set of words she used when she left him after their night together.

"Well we certainly aren't anymore!" She cries as she storms out of his apartment and slams the door behind her.

He sinks down on the couch once she's gone, dropping his head to his hands before letting out a frustrated scream. What started out as such a pleasant evening, a new beginning for them had turned into a total disaster. He never should have accepted her invitation to dinner. Never should have kissed her back and he never should have ventured down into that lobby. He groans when he realizes the thing he resents the most was his inability to tell her that he wanted more; to head Stan's advice and tell her to choose him, because he loved her.

Instead of telling her how he felt, he had practically hit the self destruct button on whatever was left of their relationship. He should have told her he loved her when he had the chance. He doesn't consider chasing after her, knowing it will only do them more harm but god did he want to chase after her and tell her how wrong she was. As angry as he was with her, all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and tell her she was wrong, he wasn't a coward, he was in love with her.

He marches himself to his decanter and pours himself a generous glass of scotch, downing the entire thing almost immediately. Why did she have to kiss him?

Why the hell did he have to fall in love with her?


End file.
